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I once heard Matt Fradd say that porn isn't bad because it shows too much, but because it shows too little. We see more of the body, but less of the person. Men and women, completely naked and exposed, performing acts that are, in the normal world, private and sacred. While their bodies are on open display for all to see, their souls are locked behind walls shame and guilt. You see nothing of the aching vulnerability, the tortured soul, the fear and the hurt....all you see are exposed body parts, and the fake image that the porn star fabricates to hide what is real.
Sexual intimacy is a beautiful creation by God to bring 2 people close together. The sex in porn involves no intimacy or connection. It is the conjoined bodies of 2 fake people, performing meaningless physical intercourse absent of any emotional or spiritual essence. They do not know or mean anything to one another. The money is what brought them together.
What do people typically think of when they think of the porn lifestyle? Vanity? Excess? Hedonism? While there are plenty of vices typically associated with being in porn, loneliness isn't really one of them, but in actuality, porn is one of the loneliest places that a human being can be. In porn sexual intercourse, ideally the most fulfilling of emotional experiences, is absolutely meaningless, and the fortress that you build around your heart and mind, keeps you distant from everyone around you. There are no fulfilling relationships. Being in the industry means keeping your guard up, not letting anyone touch you, distancing yourself on an emotional level and creating this fake image. No one truly knows one another, and relationships are shallow at best. Everything revolves around your sexual identity, which is a facade to begin with.
Yes, the porn industry is a very lonely place, defined by a bizarre sexual dynamic. Sex is uninhibited, but unfulfilling. Passion, depth, and intimacy do not exist. Your body is completely naked and exposed, but your heart wears a mask. You are physically joined to, yet emotionally detached from, your sexual partner – all of this while being on display to the world. Being in the porn industry requires that you build emotional walls, and build them fast. It also helps if you already have some walls built up.
For the porn star, loneliness is accompanied by guilt and shame. You don't open your heart up to anyone. No one bothers to try and reach you, so you stay isolated behind the walls that you have built up for yourself. It is a lifestyle completely absent of love – love of others, and love of self. In terms of excess, you have it all – drugs, parties, adoring fans – but deep inside, you are completely alone. Never mind that you have the company of the porn stars, the accolades of fans, and as much sex as you could ever stomach. The fact is, you are a shell, a manufactured image....and inside, you are completely alone.
The feeling of disconnect and isolation is ever-present, and overwhelming. You have no real companionship. Through seductive eyes, and a nymphomaniacal smile, you tell the world that you are a sexual freak, and that you love it – but deep inside, you hate what you have become, yet you cannot tell anyone. You have to remain completely alone in order to carry on the facade.
The most bizarre thing about it all is that, the people you surround yourself with carry on the same lonely routine. Everyone wears the same mask, and feels just as empty. Everyone knows, but everyone hides. You choke down your feelings of self-hatred and shame as you step into “porn mode,” – and the people you surround yourself with do the exact same thing, but no one reaches out, because everyone is incapable. So, you have all of these people in the same dark place, trying to hide who they are from each other, yet deep inside, everyone knows. Your misery is no secret.
It was this kind of loneliness that drove me to numb myself with drugs, and eventually, to cut myself. If loneliness is defined by isolation, feeling unloved, and without real companionship, then being in the porn industry is the apex of this experience. There is no one to hold your hand through it all, no one to encourage you, and no one to tell you that you are loved. So, you discard your desire to be told that you are special and loved, and feed off the empty accolades of the fans, saying “You're so hot” or “You are such a good ****” It's a shallow substitute for what every porn star wants deep inside – love, acceptance, and real companionship.
Ever wonder why so many porn stars use drugs and alcohol? It's because they are grasping at whatever is readily available to them to fill the void. Ever wonder why so many porn stars go off the deep end, or take their own lives? It all boils down to a deep sense of loneliness, and the hopelessness that ensues when a person feels so unloved.
At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self – Brendan Francis
The loneliness in the porn industry is unlike any sort of loneliness experienced by man. You are exposed, yet hidden – vulnerable, yet untouchable. Fortified walls guard your heart and the deep wounds that you carry below the surface. The longer you make porn, the more you lose sight of who you are – and hate what you have become.
It's a disconnect from others, and from yourself. I had always struggled with loneliness, but never had I compromised who I was in this way. It was scary to watch myself descend into such a dark place, full of self-hatred and emptiness. Even after a girl has made her way out of the industry, there is still that overpowering sense of loneliness. She feels as though no one can possibly understand where she has been – that she must continue to hide, for fear of being judged. She desperately wants to connect with someone, with anyone, who will love and accept her for who she is, apart from who she was. The thing of it, though, is that a lot of times, she doesn't even know how to connect. She lost her sense of identity way back when, and she is forced to re-connect with herself – whoever that is.
The beautiful thing about the Lord's healing, though, is that He meets you where you are at – because that is where the need is. Even if you've lost sight of yourself, Jesus Christ knows your heart, and knows who you are deep inside....past the walls, the facade, and the hurts. In Psalm 139:23, King David says:
Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties
What this verse says to me is that God searches us, not that He may find something that He doesn't already know, for truly He knows all things -- but rather that He may reveal our true condition to us. When God revealed Himself to me, He revealed MY own self to me, as well. He opened up my heart and showed me who I really was. It was a person I had lost sight of many years back. He reached down to me in my loneliness and isolation, to connect with me on that unseen and untouchable level. That is what God does. He exposes who we are, deep inside, and accepts us and loves us unconditionally. THIS is true companionship.
One of the most difficult things about transitioning out of the porn industry is that a lot of people will still try and connect with you at the “pornstar” level. They cannot see you as anything other than that, and there is the constant fear of being approached. In a way, you are forced to keep your guard up, and it is very difficult to move on. You are no longer a pornstar, but people will always see you that way, so you keep that part of your past as hidden as you can, along with the guilt and shame. It becomes very difficult to build trust, and you remain alone in your hurts. There is that constant fear of being judged. I have been out of the industry for almost a decade, and even now, I still struggle with feelings of fear and distrust.
Human nature tells me that most people will look upon this part of my life with disdain. God's forgiveness tells me that He has looked past that, and has cast my transgressions as far as the east is from the west. His grace tells me that I am a new creature in Christ; old things have passed away, and behold, all things are new. God tells me that I am to behold who I am in Him – not who I was in the past. He tells me that He will NEVER leave me nor forsake me, and that I am never alone. He knows every single thing I have done, inside and outside the porn industry, and still, He loves and accepts me unconditionally. This tells me that I never ever have to be lonely again – even if no one else understands or accepts it. Luckily, though, that is not the case, and He has sent me wonderful brothers and sisters who love and accept me for who I am now.
To become a pornstar is to embrace a life of loneliness....a loneliness that consumes every area of existence. Pornstars are ostracized from society, disrespected, and cut off from their families. They become part of a new family, and find some sort of acceptance – vapid acceptance, but no connection. They exist in a state of perpetual loneliness, a stranger to everyone – even themselves. Upon leaving the industry, they are forced to rebuild their lives and start over again, but emotionally they remain in hiding. This is the lonely life of the pornstar – a loneliness typically begotten by a life of difficulty and pain. After all, no one grows up saying that they want to be a pornstar. No one wants to be isolated and lonely.
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